Search me

I have served as a student leader in my church’s youth ministry for about 8 years. As crazy as it might sound, I love teenagers. Over the years I have had thousands of conversations, and prayers with so many teens, and have attempted to disciple many. And when I think about how God called me to serve in this ministry, I often consider the phrase:

“God doesn’t call the qualified and qualifies the called”

I’ve loved that phrase because I felt like it made room for me at the Lord’s table and to serve in His kingdom. 

But truthfully, nothing has brought me face-to-face with the cross as often as serving has. It will bring you to the end of yourself and you’ll quickly realize how much you need Jesus. To say I have been humbled is a great understatement. Often I evaluate my effectiveness as a youth leader. Frankly, I have made a lot of mistakes. A lot. I can think back to conversations and situations I wish so much I could do over again. And it’s often that I hear the enemy trying to convince me that I should quit. I am reminded often of my weaknesses and shortcomings, and more often met with the Father’s grace. 

In serving with youth ministry, or even on my church’s worship team, God has broken down fears and pride, self-hatred and self-exaltation over and over again. Despite my failures, never once has He cast me out of His presence. In the wilderness He has taught me more than He ever could in my strength, wisdom or ability. 

Not terribly long ago I learned that you can give God permission to search and know your heart:

Psalm 139: 23-24 AMPC

23 Search me [thoroughly], O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts!
24 And see if there is any wicked or hurtful way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting

And let me just say, the Lord has continuously brought this scripture to the forefront of my mind SO many times over the past few weeks through sermons and podcasts and conversations. So I know the Lord keeps putting His finger on this concept of “search me” lately. In fact, it’s the verse of the day on Youversion!

It’s a scary thing to pray Psalm 139. You’d better mean it. When you tell the Lord “search me” you can guarantee He’s gonna search, and it might feel like surgery in your soul because He’s gonna deal with things in you that get in His way of having your heart. And you might ask, “well what’s it gonna cost me?” But I’ve been pressed to ask “what’s it gonna cost me if I DON’T!” I’ve already got a long history trying to do everything without, or with “just enough” of Him. I can’t live like that anymore! 

Our youth don’t need someone else to be a babysitter, or a school teacher! They need brothers and sisters who have been searched by and broken for the Lord! They need elders on FIRE for Jesus because the enemy has got a lot of Gen-Z, millennials, Gen-Xers, and baby boomers thinking “my life is comfortable right now.” 

Serving the Lord and His kingdom isn’t always a fun and easy thing to do, but I’d rather fall into the hands of the Lord in my failure than to build my life up and serve others thru my own wisdom and gifts.

I thought when I was signing up to be a youth leader that God could use me because of the things I’ve been through, and I would be a blessing to some teenagers. I thought I had something great to offer. I can tell you with certainty that I have gained far more from the Lord through the process of serving and subsequently being crushed than I ever thought imaginable. I would not be the woman I am today without giving myself to serving God‘s people and allowing God to do whatever he’s wanted to do with me.

And if it isn’t clear, the biggest thing he has done is this:

He has brought me low. He continues to bring me low.

So that He gets the glory, He gets the love and the adoration, so that the bride of Christ would have eyes for only Him. I recently heard someone say, “God is more interested in changing me than using me” and I have found that some of the greatest changes the Lord has made in me, has come through the vehicle of serving.

It should be humbling and a great comfort to know God’s not looking for qualified people to carry His presence, or to serve in your local church, or to share the gospel with your coworker! But He IS looking for a surrendered and willing heart. 
He is such a good and trustworthy Father, and as Spurgeon once said:

”I am [still] learning to kiss the waves that throw me against the Rock of Ages.”